Ratatat plays in the background, and the day has just slipped through my fingers. Walking until the muscles in my calves are giving out, walking until the sun comes out, walking until my sweat glands run out.
But right now, I'm sitting down more calm than I would expect myself to be. Monday, being tomorrow, is haunting me. It's hanging over my head telling me that it doesn't care what I do with my time. It doesn't care where I go today. Because where it is, it's going to stay. And that's tomorrow.
Midterm the day after next. And I've studied less than I need to. The library haunts me to. Reminding me of all the books I should have read, need to read, and will read when time tells.
Sitting here in a room lit by a cloudy day and Christmas lights. I feel like the direction I'm going in is a direction I've always wanted to be in. But I'm still unsure. Like when things are too good to be true.
She's around. With a steady, constant glow around her. She's her own silhouette. I've made mistakes; horrible and ridiculous ones. But she let me back into her world, and I'm never going to let myself get back to a place of such disparity, confusion, and lack of integrity. That is a place I don't belong. Never again. With hands more gentle than the smallest child, she holds pieces of me I didn't even know existed. This time around, I don't mind.
My conclusion is this: When life feels too good to be true, embrace it. Because we only have right now once, and then it's gone forever. So why wait for God (Or whatever is out there) to pull the lever? Life, or at least MY life is going to be lived. And lived large.
To all of those people out there who feel stuck, who feel lost, and tired, I have been there. I still wake up wondering what life looks like tomorrow. But all I have is today. And so do you.
New chapter ladies and gentleman. It's a brand new chapter.
May the pages begin.
-J
